What Would Buddy Do?
I know one guy who wouldn’t be polite about a 24-point spread
Posted on November 25th, 2007 at 11:05 am by Cheesesteak Hoagie

buddy would not stand for a 24 point spreadSo things are looking pretty grim for the Birds tonight. Twenty-four-point dogs, the latest tackling dummies for the greatest NFL team anyone has ever seen, one more chance for Belicheat and Shady Brady to pad their stats and overrated loudmouths like Tedy Bruschi and Rodney Harrison to pound their chests. Mostly I’m worried that the Eagles will march humbly to Foxboro and take their whuppin professionally and politely.

Somewhere in rural Kentucky, there’s a man who would not take his whuppin professionally or politely.

This is not to say that said fellow would have a plan for actually winning the game (that might be a bit of a stretch), but at least the team would come out hungry, and would not lose gracefully. No mock humility, no “that’s a great team over there.” This is a man who didn’t make a big deal of pantomiming an “icy handshake” for the benefit of the cameras; if his team lost, he’d just skip the handshake with the opposing coach altogether. He’d run up the score and tell the press it was revenge for previous injustices. (Note, these things most definitely happened in the late 80s.)

And this is the man the Eagles need today: James David Ryan.

In the past (that is, the final game of the lost 2005 season), I’ve begged Andy Reid to bring Buddy back as a special one-time defensive coordinator. The season was lost and the games were boring — I just wanted that last game to be fun to watch. We don’t need to go that far this time; Jim Johnson can keep his job. (I’m not sure the scheme will really matter anyway.)

Nope, this time around, I think we just need a speech from ole Buddy. A rip-roaring pre-game address, full of fire, brimstone, anger and hatred. Something that reminds the Eagles that the Pats and the rest of the NFL are laughing at them. That Vegas is laughing at them. That AMERICA is laughing at them. Remind that they can take their whuppin one of two ways: like soft-bellied accountants at a company softball game, or like drunken, small-pox-crazed barbarians with stone tools getting slaughtered by horses and armor. Say what we will about those drunken barbarians, but at least they went down swinging.

Of course, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the possibility of BOUNTIES being placed on certain body parts of certain bad guys. But I don’t even think that’s necessary. Let’s just make sure that everyone on the Pats gets hit tonight. On every play. And that the Pats walk out of there with extra bruises. 

I just don’t want a meek, professional defeat from gentle Andy and the boys.  I’d prefer if the Eagles pretended to have some pride.  Just a little. 

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