What Would Buddy Do?
Off-Topic: Put a BOUNTY on the folks responsible for the Sonics leaving Seattle
Posted on July 7th, 2008 at 1:04 am by Cheesesteak Hoagie

Sonics get smoked

Inasmuch as I’ve ever been an actual fan of a non-Philadelphia team, I have been a fan of the Seattle Sonics for the past three years.

By “actual fan” I mean that my sensitive little sports feelings would get lightly bruised when they lost; wins had a decent shot of putting me in a vaguely good mood. I had random nicknames for the players and complicated opinions about both backup centers and the complete roster of timeout/ halftime entertainments. A buddy invited me into his season-ticket plan when I moved out there, and as a new guy in an unfamiliar city, I was happy to spend a fair amount of time at Key Arena (it didn’t hurt that it was mile from my house and that the tickets were extremely reasonably priced). I got into the Supes.

(That’s the last photo I took at Key Arena, a few days before I moved from Seattle to New York earlier this year. The Supes got absolutely smoked by the Nuggets. Lost by 42 (138-96). At home. I’d say it was a metaphor/ omen/ only fitting, but even that would be a bit much.)

Full disclosure: I’ve been writing about the Sonics on the Interwebs for almost as long as I’ve been writing about the Birds.  No kidding.  For the 2006-2007 season I tried to write something about every game I attended.  I also took a bunch of photos at games (don’t worry, I had implied oral consent from the NBA).

This is all a long way of rationalizing going off-topic and bringing my Sonics Haterade to BountyBowl.  I know it isn’t really relevant, but I feel like I owe it to the Sonics fans in Seattle to use my powers of Negadelphia for good and devote a few words to WHY THE SONICS LEAVING SEATTLE WAS AN EFFING FRAUD AND WHY I WANT TO PUT A BOUNTY ON CLAY BENNETT, HOWARD SCHULTZ, GREG NICKELS AND DAVID STERN.

Bulls Caught Looking At The Sonics Dance Team

(That’s actually the best NBA photo I have; it’s the Chicago Bulls staring at the Sonics Dance Team during a timeout. Way to keep your heads in the game, fellas.)

The facts of the case are old news at this point, though if you’re reading this you probably don’t actually know all that much about it — I really don’t think the national media really got enough mileage out of the Sonics.  This was some pretty compelling local news product; no Bonnie and Clyde, mind you, but not bad.  You can guess most of the details (greedy owners want bigger stadium paid for by taxpayers, except this time the taxpayers weren’t really into it).  But there were some pretty sweet twists along the way: e-mails revealing that one of the new owners thought his anti-gay marriage politics would piss off the locals and make it easier to pull the team out of town; the Major League spoof in the local weekly that was essentially correct and comprehensive (as its essentially what happened to the team this past season — lose a lot so it’s easier to leave); the new owners funding studies to demonstrate how important the Sonics were to the community, and then — when they didn’t get their stadium ransom — arguing the exact opposite in court; Howard Schultz desperately suing Clay Bennett as part of the lamest PR stunt ever as SBUX stock hit the skids and America decided that maybe we don’t need five-dollar coffee after all.

Unfortunately, the local sports-talk radio station doesn’t quite have the oomph that its Philadelphia brothers do (note that if you search “sports 950” you get the Philly 950 before the Seattle one — and you sir, Sports Radio 950, are no 610 WIP!), and the folks in Seattle don’t like their tax dollars to pay for necessary infrastructure improvements, much less a basketball team.  So the Sonics are outtie.

Pretty beat.  Thus shall I place BOUNTIES on the following:

Clay Bennett: sorry my man, but you were the bad guy on this one.  We needed to put a villain’s name to a face, and your mug was what we saw in the paper every time we heard about the new owners from Oklahoma.  Don’t know if you’re a good guy or a bad guy; I can appreciate trying to do right by your hometown, that’s chill, but just because I understand your position doesn’t mean that we’re simpatico.  Clay Bennett, I’ll see you on the plane ride to hell.  I’ll be the one sitting next to you, elbowing you off the armrest and farting for all eternity.  Happy jetting, big fella!  BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Howard Schultz: local boy made good, bought the hometown team, sat courtside, and then called the city’s bluff when they wouldn’t build him a new stadium.  Now his company’s looking a bit sloppy and passe, and the folks in Seattle think he betrayed them to the Okies.  Sorry, big fella.  You earned this.  Going to need to ask you to turn in your performance fleece and move to the East Side.  Also, I’m still bitter about the time my row won the in-game promotion and all we got were freakin four-dollar gift cards. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Greg Nickels: I don’t think you have an easy job, Greg Nickels.  It’s a very unruly local political scene, and the default setting is complete inaction (especially if it involves public dollars).  Still, your job is a lot easier than, say, Michael Nutter’s.  Fewer people get shot in your town.  All you needed to do was prevent the basketball team from moving to Oklahoma.  You failed.  Good luck repairing the infrastructure before the Big One hits. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

David Stern: so you actually have been fixing the games, you lied non-stop about the Sonics, and you’re like, what, boys with Clay Bennett?  May your league be further beset by accusations of impropriety, may your copyrights be disrespected, and may your your employees continue to assault your customers.  BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

In honor of the erstwhile Supersonics and their unlucky fans, we’ll be flying the logo at half mast here at BountyBowl for the rest of the week.

(Everybody clap your hands! CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP!)

Comments so far:

Link Here | July 7, 2008,

David Stern, lying scumbag…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qV4QLK0HnOc

Comment by BGNJason |


Link Here | July 8, 2008,

I agree, this is a crock of shit. Key Arena was renovated in 1994. An owner shouldn’t be able to accept a renovation and then hold taxpayers hostage again just over a decade later.

I mean, the LInc’s not brand new anymore, and Dallas and NY have shiny new stadiums on the way.

I feel bad for Sonics fans in Seattle, especially because the only way they’re going to get a team back is by some other city getting screwed.

(Sort of how Baltimore lost the Colts, but then got the Ravens when Cleveland got hosed. Unfortunately, I don’t the NBA plans to expand)

Comment by BrianS


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