What Would Buddy Do?
How to host an imaginary Super Bowl party
Posted on February 1st, 2009 at 11:36 am by Cheesesteak Hoagie

You might think that the Eagles’ loss two weeks ago will ruin your final opportunity to watch a legitimate professional football game for next seven months.  Au contraire!  I mean, I know it seemed like the Eagles lost the NFC Championship and won’t be playing in the Super Bowl, but that doesn’t mean you have to play along.  See below for some simple tips on how to host the Big Game in proper Eagles style….

1.  Start early.  Put on your gear and get to the store before noon.  You don’t want to be one of those last-minute shoppers who’s picking through a decimated chip section or hunting for the last packet of Lil Smokeys.  They will run out of Crescent Rolls if you’re not careful.  Be sure to be sporting at least your Eagles jersey, and also some sort of hat if possible.  Civilians might think you’re wearing those colors just out of general interest in the NFL, but you’ll know better.

2.  Don’t be a total homer, but let ‘em know where you stand.  Should you run into a fellow patron at the store and have them inquire as to your rooting interests in the Big Game, be polite but firm: “Well I certainly think it’ll be a great game today, and Pittsburgh’s a great team, but I really think the Eagles’ defense and special teams will pull through.”

3.  And then, DENY DENY DENY.  While some civilians might be satisfied with this answer (as they’re not really sure who’s playing in the game anyway), most men might choose to cross examine at this point.  The important part here is not to come on too strong.  Acknowledge that the Birds had a tough day in the NFC Championship, and that “they have a few things to work on, but luckily, the extra week should give them time to prepare and correct some of those things.”  That’s probably a good moment to cut off that conversation, BTW.

4.  Whom to invite?  The Super Bowl is one of those events that forces the football devotee to sit in the same room with the dilettante (horrible, horrible, I know) and pretend to enjoy watching the game while the non-psychopaths prattle on and on and on and on about decidedly non-football-related topics (the global economic meltdown, trouble in the Middle East, overweight Jessica Simpson, what have you).  While it’s rude to not invite friends and loved ones for a big day like this, it’s worth reminding them “how I get” during Eagles games and how “I can’t really be accountable for my behavior.”  Nothing like a thinly veiled threat to keep the flies away!

5.  What should guests expect to bring?  As a host, you need to take point on the main dishes and proteins, as well as anything that’ll require significant prep (dips, guacamole, stuff like that).  Tell guests to bring beer or, of course, a dessert, but only if said dessert is green-themed (icing, ice cream flavors, cupcakes, etc).

6.  Pre-game entertainment.  Sure, you could watch the interminable network pre-game shows, but is that really going to capture the Philly feel of Super Bowl Sunday?  I’d get WIP piping through your stereo as a nice ambient background sound, and then, when folks start to filter in, the coup de grace: Wing Bowl highlights from you computer piped into the TV.  That’s just the sort of thing that’ll get your party started right.

7.  When 6:30 rolls around.  As kickoff approaches, some of your guests may begin to get a bit nervous about this “Super” Bowl thing.  They might even make noises about wanting to watch the commercials!  That’s the point where you remind them that we won’t be watching commercials today and cue up the DVR for…an encore presentation of the Eagles’ September 21 victory over the Pittsburgh Steelers!  Happy Super Bowl!

(What, you don’t still have the Steelers game on the DVR?  You let the missus delete it in favor of Gossip Girl reruns?  I’m guarding my copy with my life.)

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