What Would Buddy Do?
Put a BOUNTY on the Kevin Kolb jersey
Posted on December 17th, 2008 at 12:08 pm by Cheesesteak Hoagie

And now for the Kevin Kolb post.  Or at least the post about his jersey.

Initial disclaimer: we do not know nearly enough about Kevin Kolb to evaluate his talent/ potential as a future starting quarterback for the Eagles.  A couple pick-sixes notwithstanding, we’re going to need to see a lot more from him before we can either (a) hand him the keys to the car or (b) blow him out the airlock (not to mix metaphors).  He could be fantastic, he could be a failure, we just don’t know.  We hope (obviously) that he can play.

Today I just want to talk about the misanthropic malcontents who wear a Kevin Kolb jersey to Lincoln Financial Field in 2008 (note that I saw two (2) of said jerseys Monday night).  While I’m certainly open to alternate explanations, this is how I imagine the decision to first purchase and then wear the Kevin Kolb shirt plays out in the mind of the owner:

I really, really, really hate Donovan McNabb.  A lot.  It isn’t that McNabb isn’t my favorite player, or that I admire another player (say, Brian Dawkins or Brian Westbrook) more than McNabb, it’s that I really detest number 5.  Like, a lot.  It’s his fault we lost the Super Bowl, Rush Limbaugh was right, and this team will never win anything until he’s run out of town.

As a result, I’ve decided to pick up this nifty Kevin Kolb jersey.  I mean, sure, unless I’m a member of Kolb’s immediate family or a big Conference USA football fan (unlikely), I’ve never seen Kevin Kolb play a full game of football.  No matter.  So concentrated and focused is my loathing for Donovan McNabb that I’ve chosen to sport his ostensible replacement’s jersey (custom made for about US$300 as it’s not currently available for sale the Eagles store, though you can find them other places for a little cheaper).

Someone suggested that I was cleverly getting in early on the Kolb shirt, but it doesn’t really work like that — it’s not this is a hot start-up and you get a discount for buying guys on the bench.  Nope.  I just wanted to be sure that folks knew where I stood on Donovan McNabb, and if it costs me a few bucks, so be it.

In fact, I’m so eager for folks to know where I stand on McNabb that I actually buy tickets to the games and wear my Kevin Kolb jersey as an act of passive-aggressive protest: “I hate you, Donovan, I hate you, and I want everyone in this stadium to know how much I hate you.”

Never mind that he’s the starting quarterback for my favorite team and the success of the starting quarterback tends to correlate pretty highly with the success of the team.  That’s not my concern.  My concern is letting the world know that Donovan McNabb is a big loser and that I am the sort of discerning football fan who has recognized that fact.

Go Birds (except, of course, for the full avoidance of doubt, Donovan McNabb — he can go suck a phat one).

Thus shall I declare that we PUT A BOUNTY on the Kevin Kolb jersey.

Okay, 37 readers of BountyBowl.  Someone explain this to me.  I’m willing to listen.  Why wear the Kevin Kolb jersey?  Note that I’ve left the topic of race out of the discussion to date, but don’t be afraid to go there (BountyBowl is not afraid to acknowledge the role that race plays in the Philly fans’ relationship with Donovan McNabb).

Put a BOUNTY on Matt Mosley
Posted on September 13th, 2008 at 2:36 am by Cheesesteak Hoagie

Matt, we tried to give you a chance.  We did.  While we appreciated it when you paid the appropriate levels of respect to the Filladelfya faithful in your fan rankings, we always knew that something wasn’t quite right.  Maybe it was the absolute lack of attention paid to the Eagles in your NFC East “roundup” posts or just the fact that you’re from Dallas.  We sure didn’t like when you brought up the T.O. nonsense when you visited Eagles camp (I believe the phrase I used was “Why you gotta be bringin up old sh*t?”), and we definitely didn’t like it when you opined earlier this week that,

You get the feeling that McNabb spends a lot more time thinking about the past than T.O., who appears to be having the time of his life with Tony Romo, the man he tearfully referred to as “my quarterback.”

Do we get that feeling, Matt?  I really don’t.  The only time this crap comes up is when the Eagles play Dallas and lazy sportswriters can’t think of anything better to say.  (See Ashley Fox, earlier this week.)  And you have to hand it to the commenters on ESPN for killing you for this piece — especially because Ed Werder had reported on T.O.’s latest claptrap (the part where he volunteered his latest round of yadda yadda about stuff from three years ago) at about the same time.  You backtracked immediately and wrote, “Don’t you wish these two guys could simply move on with their lives?”  This was, ahem, like two hours later.

Right.  So McNabb answers your question in training camp about T.O., and he’s the obsessed guy.  T.O. flaps his gums this week unprompted and these “two guys” need to move on with their lives?  I’d been trying to ignore the story altogether, and hate that I’m mentioning it at all, but you did such a clumsy job “reporting” it that I just couldn’t help myself.   

I guess we could cut you some slack for the poor job you’re doing of covering the Eagles in your column (sure, the Cowboys are more nationally popular than the Eagles and you probably drive more traffic with Cowboy stories), but it’s just soooo lazy.  Your Philly “round up” pieces are just the top Eagles headlines from Philly.com.  Dude!  Get some RSS feeds or something.  Other papers in the area cover the Eagles.  A bunch of blogs, too.  There’s plenty out there.  Florio at PFT does a better job mixing it up with his team one-liners, and he’s keeping an eye on the whole league.  I dunno, Mr. Mosley — it just doesn’t seem like you’re trying very hard.       

And thus we must bestow our first official BOUNTY of the 2008 season on you, Matt Mosley.  Congrats!  Sal Paolantonio and Peter King send their best.

Off-Topic: Put a BOUNTY on the folks responsible for the Sonics leaving Seattle
Posted on July 7th, 2008 at 1:04 am by Cheesesteak Hoagie

Sonics get smoked

Inasmuch as I’ve ever been an actual fan of a non-Philadelphia team, I have been a fan of the Seattle Sonics for the past three years.

By “actual fan” I mean that my sensitive little sports feelings would get lightly bruised when they lost; wins had a decent shot of putting me in a vaguely good mood. I had random nicknames for the players and complicated opinions about both backup centers and the complete roster of timeout/ halftime entertainments. A buddy invited me into his season-ticket plan when I moved out there, and as a new guy in an unfamiliar city, I was happy to spend a fair amount of time at Key Arena (it didn’t hurt that it was mile from my house and that the tickets were extremely reasonably priced). I got into the Supes.

(That’s the last photo I took at Key Arena, a few days before I moved from Seattle to New York earlier this year. The Supes got absolutely smoked by the Nuggets. Lost by 42 (138-96). At home. I’d say it was a metaphor/ omen/ only fitting, but even that would be a bit much.)

Full disclosure: I’ve been writing about the Sonics on the Interwebs for almost as long as I’ve been writing about the Birds.  No kidding.  For the 2006-2007 season I tried to write something about every game I attended.  I also took a bunch of photos at games (don’t worry, I had implied oral consent from the NBA).

This is all a long way of rationalizing going off-topic and bringing my Sonics Haterade to BountyBowl.  I know it isn’t really relevant, but I feel like I owe it to the Sonics fans in Seattle to use my powers of Negadelphia for good and devote a few words to WHY THE SONICS LEAVING SEATTLE WAS AN EFFING FRAUD AND WHY I WANT TO PUT A BOUNTY ON CLAY BENNETT, HOWARD SCHULTZ, GREG NICKELS AND DAVID STERN. (Read the rest of this story.)

Someone call Anton Chigurh, Peter King is feeling lucky
Posted on March 3rd, 2008 at 11:42 pm by Cheesesteak Hoagie

see you at EWRIt’s been a while since we’ve assigned a bounty to an Enemy of Freedom (that is, someone who dares speak ill of the Birds and isn’t actually a fan of the team). But a little item in Peter King’s MMQB column reminded me of the reason I started this web site in the first place: to anonymously defame those who insult the honor of my favorite NFL team (as well as proffer the occasional empty threat).

While this isn’t the first time we’ve singled out Peter King, his column today makes it clear that we must redouble our efforts if we ever hope to thwart him for good. Specifically, he takes time off from commenting on the flatulence of his fellow airline travelers to write:

Quote of the Week II
“I just want to be able to win and get back to the Super Bowl.”

–Philadelphia cornerback Asante Samuel, who got $20 million guaranteed in a six-year, $57 million contract with the Eagles on Friday.

If that’s what was most important, then why didn’t Samuel stay with New England? Does he, or his agent, really think the Eagles have a better shot to get back to the Super Bowl than the Patriots in the next two or three years?

Well allow me to retort!
(Read the rest of this story.)

PFT takes a moment to make up some sh*t about McNabb, Birds
Posted on November 21st, 2007 at 8:18 pm by Cheesesteak Hoagie

This is me shaking my head, yet again, at the oft-Bountied efforts of ProFootballTalk.com:

POSTED 3:44 p.m. EST; UPDATED 3:50 p.m. EST, November 21, 2007

NO McNABB? NO PROBLEM

Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb didn’t practice on Wednesday, due to ankle and thumb injuries. But if he can’t play, on Sunday night or beyond, we’re told that the rest of the team isn’t troubled.

Maybe it’s a reflection of the subtle message that the team sent in April when quarterback Kevin Kolb was the team’s first draft pick in 2007.

Or maybe the players don’t care because they realize that they can be competitive without or without him.

Either way, the nonchalance in the locker room regarding McNabb’s potential absence for one or more weeks is real. And it kept the team from panicking a week ago when McNabb exited what looked to be a potential lost cause against the Dolphins.

A couple things here:
(Read the rest of this story.)

Put a bounty on Peter King!
Posted on September 28th, 2007 at 2:11 am by Cheesesteak Hoagie

before he lost the weightIn all honesty, I can’t believe it took me this long to get a bounty on Peter King.

I’m not gonna dog King for his increasingly played out and lame MMQB column (which used to be required reading but is now two years past its use-by date), his dweebishly mundane descriptions of commuting (yawn), or even the self-important patriotism of publishing the letters from the soldier in Iraq (yes yes, Peter, you’re doing a great thing for AMERICA here). Nope, I’m getting down on Peter King for being exactly the uptight white sportswriter that we thought he was.

(Read the rest of this story.)

Put a bounty on Mike Florio
Posted on August 23rd, 2007 at 10:24 pm by Cheesesteak Hoagie

Despite the fact that Profootballtalk.com is one of our favorite NFL sites — at least in so part due to its delightful penchant for rumormongering — we’re going to need to put a bounty on PFT editor Mike Florio.

Seriously, we typically enjoy the ridiculous tabloid speculation coming out of PFT (it’s like Drudge Report for the NFL), but we don’t like it when we think he’s picking on our favorite team. In two postings since the Trotter release, he’s tried to invent imaginary scandals based on (a) alleged insider info from the locker room or (b) his own fantastical creativity:

(Read the rest of this story.)

Put a bounty on Sal Paolantonio’s head!
Posted on August 1st, 2007 at 1:16 pm by Cheesesteak Hoagie

BOOOOOOOWhile the Eagle Scout blog over at NJ.com may have stolen our thunder a bit on explaining why Sal Paolantonio is (a) completely full of crap and (b) trying desperately to stir up the kind of nonsense typically reserved only for the lunatic fringes of WIP, we’d like to take this occasion to annoint Sal as the first member of the BountyBowl Bounty Club.

That is, we’ll pay $200 to whomever rings Sal’s bell on kickoff coverage. No questions asked.

(We look forward to adding more media enemies to this list, and putting prices on their heads as appropriate. In our book, you’re allowed to criticize the performance of the team — that’s chill, and we’ll do it ourselves — but we have no patience for the guys that make up nonsense in an attempt to stir up imaginary drama. Welcome to the club, big Sal! You should officially know better!)

Link:
Last call in Philly for McNabb? [ESPN.com]