What Would Buddy Do?
Andy Reid tried to help the Giants in the Super Bowl?
Posted on November 7th, 2008 at 10:16 am by Cheesesteak Hoagie

Um, so I guess Andy Reid didn’t get the internal e-mail I forwarded him (the one that said that all his best players considered the Giants their biggest rivals in the NFC East)?  Because according to former Eagles coach and current Giants defensive coordinator Steve Spagnuolo, Andy Reid went out of his way to offer tips and advice to Spags in the weeks before last February’s Super Bowl:

Did you hear from Andy or Jim after the Super Bowl?

Oh yeah. They were great. They were both really happy. Both of them called. I talked with Andy a couple of times actually before the Super Bowl. We had gone through it in ’04 together and he had a couple of things, ‘Hey, remember this Steve, remember what happened here,’ we talked a lot about how long the pregame was. He was great. I remember him saying, ‘just keep firing at him, just keep staying aggressive.’ That was his advice and they were certainly tremendous after it is over.

WHAAAAA????  While I was writing completely jealous and deranged things like this, Andy Reid was sharing tips on how to manage pregame stretching?  This is a betrayal of the first order!   Are we to believe that the actual personal relationships that these men maintain might trump the imagined-manufactured-and-marketed rivalries between the green team and the blue team?  DON’T THEY KNOW HOW MUCH I DISLIKE THE BLUE TEAM?

Another, more delicious, angle here might be an anti-Belichick/ anti-Patriots thing.  As in, Andy Reid might have harbored some lingering resentments in re: what happened in Jacksonville, and was more than happy to see Belichick and the Pats stumble at the end of their then-perfect season.  To which I can only say, “Yeah, f*ck those guys.”

(But also f*ck the G-Men.  To be clear.)

KillShot ™ Official Ruling
Posted on September 8th, 2008 at 10:06 pm by Cheesesteak Hoagie

bradyknee.jpgGiven that the serotonin is still pumping from the refreshingly glorious Eagles victory (and I don’t want to hear anything from you naysayers about parallels to last year’s 56-21 beatdown of the Lions, at least not until Wednesday), I’m reluctant to address the topic of Tom Brady.  Why focus on badness when there is so much goodness in the air? 

Still, despite the fact that it’s not Eagles-related, my role as the Internet’s Leading Authority on Quarterback-Crippling Tackles, a.k.a. KillShots(tm) means that I will need to weigh in on the Brady hit.  Didn’t want to do it, felt I owed to him. 

(For a brief history of the KillShot(tm) comma according to me, click here here here and here.  Also, it’s worth noting that I died a little bit when I heard Roy Williams use the phrase when complaining about rules preventing him from viciously hitting other players in camp on an episode of Hard Knocks.  Dude, Roy, that’s my thing.  Also, you’re a jerk and we’re sending protestors to your house if your get your mitts on Dunavin’s collar next Monday.)

Whilst some members of the Pats are demanding justice this afternoon, I’d like to offer an official (!) ruling.  First off, I don’t think Bernard Pollard meant to hit Brady in the knee, much less end Tom Terrific’s (isn’t he dreamy!) season.  I think Pollard was trying to make a play with a blocker on his back and he ended up blowing up the NFL MVP’s season. 

HOWEVER, the absence of intent does not excuse the act.  The other football has a really appropriate phrase for a play like that: it’s called a clumsy challenge.  They give you cards for it.  You can’t go in with your studs up, with two feet, from behind, etc.  That’s how dudes get hurt.  

Similarly, Bernard Pollard may or may not have meant to hurt Tom Brady (I can’t imagine he did; if this was a playoff game…different story).  Intent aside, he still tackled him in a very reckless manner, one that is highly likely to result in an injury.  He has to know better than that.  Even in the midst of the violence, he can’t be driving his shoulder beneath the knee when a guy has his foot planted.  If there’s a rule and fines for hitting the quarterback in the head, they should also protect them below the knee.  And Bernard Pollard needs to avoid making that hit.  

So, I don’t know if it was dirty, but it was clumsy and it was unskilled.  And it killed a quarterback’s season.  Bernard Pollard, welcome to the ranks of the KillShot(tm) Ring of Honor!     


Eagles to face Ultimate Villains in Training Match
Posted on August 22nd, 2008 at 4:35 pm by Cheesesteak Hoagie

Euro Birds

Crapsauce!  Due to the vagaries of my work travel schedule, it looks like I’m going to be on an airplane for the Pats game for the second time in nine months.  Sure, the other one actually “counted” but that doesn’t mean I didn’t want to watch the one tonight.  A quick summary of what I would have liked to have seen (but will only read about):

Brian Westbrook spending as little time out of his protective bubble-wrap coccoon as possible.  Goes without saying — let’s hope the franchise doesn’t get hurt.  If he must play, might I suggest a swing pass to the sidelines?  Something where he can dance out of bounds untouched?  

Shawn Andrews leveling someone on a screen pass.  Let’s have the Big Kid bounce outside and try to concuss some of the Pats’ elderly linebackers, mmm?  That’d be lovely.

Dunavin and the deep ball.  Okay, so no Curtis.  No Reggie Brown.  I feel a lot better about that if 5 can complete a pass deeper than 20 yards to the WR-by-committee.  Let’s throw it even if it isn’t there. 

Asante Samuel doing something even more obnoxious than talking about how happy his money makes him.  We would not hate it if Samuel ended up with a pick and indulged himself in a little taunting.  I’m just sayin is all.

Not a single bobbled kick or punt.  I really don’t think this is asking too much — please catch the ball.

Joe Mays on the highlight reel.  I dunno, I just want to see the kid blowing someone up on the highlights.  Nothing that injures anyone, just something noisy would be fine.

And, of couse, photo ops.  I want to see Big Red next to Belicheat; he’s got to be like three of him.  Also, the obligatory smug owner photo.

As for the photo above, well, that just doesn’t look very tough now does it.  Extra credit to the first commenter to name both Iggles in the photo.

Sweet! We all loved the Mitchell Report!
Posted on May 14th, 2008 at 5:01 pm by Cheesesteak Hoagie

Far be it from us to poop on the efforts of a Birds fan to do his best to help his favorite team (retroactively) win the Super Bowl, no matter how (increasingly) inane and misguided those efforts may be.  We hear you, Arlen.  We do.  The Spygate thing feels a little squishy/ slimy to us too. 

But threatening a Congressional investigation, a la the Mitchell Report?  Dude.  Really?

Never mind that this seems to be a gross misuse of legislative dollars and attention (war, economy, failing education and health care infrastructure).  Right.  We’ve been over that.  As a citizen, this troubles me. 

As a sports fan, it may trouble me even more, if only because a Congressional Spygate investigation promises to be insanely effing boring.  Enough already.  The Mitchell Investigation/ Report has s*cked for years; let’s just say we’re not psyched for the sequel.      

Specter continues quest to retroactively win Super Bowl
Posted on May 9th, 2008 at 1:05 am by Cheesesteak Hoagie

R LenDespite the best efforts of the NFL PR machine (and their associated Pats-luvin’ lackeys amongst the blathermonkeys) to indicate once and for all that Matt Walsh is a fraud and that we won’t be overturning any Super Bowls, thank you very much, Arlen Specter (R-Pa. (–you like that???)) remains unconvinced. He’s still demanding a meeting with Walsh, and encourages us all to be patient until we see “where the evidence leads.”


 I find it mildly amusing that so many folks are focusing on Specter’s ties to Comcast as the motivation for his otherwise frivolous and borderline negligent pursuit of the Spygate story. Yeah, maybe. (Read the rest of this story.)

Ultimately, I’m just a hater from Negadelphia…
Posted on February 5th, 2008 at 3:06 pm by Cheesesteak Hoagie

this is a legal tackle

…and I demand justice, or at least vengeful retribution.

So the dust has settled, the G-Men had their parade, plaudits have been offered to the Giants (including too much praise for “The Play” which seems to discount the part where this was a Favre-style heave into the middle of the field that, while amazing, is not something you’d like to do too many more times; AMAZING catch by Tyree, though, no doubt, and the defensive line was spectacular), and scorn has been heaped on the Patriots and Bill Belichick.

I’m terribly disappointed by how this all worked out; here’s why:

My dream scenario was that the G-Men would lose the game badly (and be properly humilaited for the hot-at-the-right-time-with-some-lucky-breaks-thrown-in frauds that I had hoped they were), while the Patriots would have their victory immediately sullied by some shocking new revelations in Spygate that would call into question the entire Patriots machine (maybe even on the same day as their victory parade?). We’re talking details that would force the NFL to demand that Lombardi trophies be turned over to their rightful owners (Juve style from 2006 — don’t think this is unprecedented).

That is, I was hoping that the Super Bowl could somehow produce two (2) losers. Note well that a straight loss wasn’t actually sufficient in the example above — I wanted them both to be humiliated (the Giants beaten badly on the field, the Patriots’ entire run of success discredited).
(Read the rest of this story.)

ADF#$*)F*WER CHJASGQ(#)$U$T!?!?!
Posted on February 3rd, 2008 at 9:59 pm by Cheesesteak Hoagie

Oh dude.  Really? 


We shall give certain members of the Giants their due (their defensive ends, Tom Coughlin), and acknowledge that in a game of bounces, the Pats got a bit a unlucky (the ball hit the ground three times and the G-Men recovered all three; the Pats couldn’t hold on to potential picks), and try to say things like “It was an exciting game to watch.”

But it wasn’t exciting.  It was terrible. 
(Read the rest of this story.)

Super Bowl: Who I got
Posted on February 3rd, 2008 at 3:59 pm by Cheesesteak Hoagie

thuper bowlThis pick is a lot easier than I thought it would be a couple days ago (famous last words!).

Obviously, as much as I may detest the Pats and their Empire of Entitled Smugness, at least they have something to be snug about. That is, the smugness of the New York Football Giants has long since earned my ire and disdain as My Least Favorite (And Thus The Most Loathsome And Worthy Of Scorn) NFL Team ™. Can’t stand the G-men. Not even a little bit. Even with the departure of Tiki, I still can’t decide who’s the most disagreeable player on the team; is it StupidF*cking*sshole Antonio Pierce or StupidF*cking*sshole Michael Strahan? Seriously, it’s a tough call. I suppose I’ll root for catastrophic knee injuries for all.

Still, I thought that the G-Men would play them tough, and at least cover. Not anymore. I buy the PFT theory that the Spygate thing is going to motivate the Pats to be extra mean-spiritied. Amazingly, I bet they’re sitting in their locker room right now reflecting on the fact that despite the fact that they’ve gone undefeated and scored the most points ever, NO ONE IS GIVING THEM ANY RESPECT.
(Read the rest of this story.)

Extended Spygate/ Spygate 2 Conspiracy Theory
Posted on February 3rd, 2008 at 12:36 pm by Cheesesteak Hoagie

smile big fellaOkay, dim the lights. Time for my extended whacked-out conspiracy theory on Spygate. Note that this will only make 30 percent sense, but hey, it wouldn’t be a conspiracy theory if it didn’t contain a fair amount of speculation; then it would be a “fact.”

Here we go:

1. The Patriots and Bill Belichick knew before this season that Spygate was coming. I actually suspect that Mangini took some of the tapes with him when he split the season before. Regardless, I believe that the Pats had a strong suspicion that the time of reckoning was near. Thus, they went out and spent in free agency at a level that they never had before, loading up for a big run in 2007.

2. The Patriots also knew that the NFL wasn’t entirely interested in catching the Pats cheating. After all, the Pats were the squeaky clean antithesis of those nasty fellows with the dog-fighting and the strip clubs and the weapons charges. The Pats are a wealthy franchise with a strong brand in an important sports market. No one wants to [insert cliche here: something to do with cutting off noses to spite things or killing geese that lay golden thingies].
(Read the rest of this story.)

Disgruntled Birds fan abuses powers of government to retroactively win Super Bowl XXXIX
Posted on February 3rd, 2008 at 11:24 am by Cheesesteak Hoagie

no no this seems REALLY important

Attaguy, Arlen Specter.

Who cares that the Iraq war is quickly approaching its fifth year or that the U.S. economy is in the pooper — there is an assistant golf pro and former office gofer somewhere on the island of Maui who might be willing to make unfounded accusations about the New England Patriots! Summon the Sixth Fleet!

Whilst I understand that pro football does enjoy some special privileges under the law (antitrust exemption, nice big stadia built with public dollars), um, the cheating allegations still aren’t that big a deal.  As a sports media story (that is, Britney and Lindsay for the male 18-to-44 set), it’s solid gold.  But I don’t think Spygate qualifies as an affair of state.

Still, you gotta love that Specter’s little — dare I say it — jihad against the Pats seems fueled (at least a little bit) by his subtly masked passion for the Eagles! 
(Read the rest of this story.)

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