What Would Buddy Do?
Super Bowl Pick a.k.a. GO BIRDS
Posted on February 1st, 2009 at 5:13 pm by Cheesesteak Hoagie

I dunno, I’m just not really sold on the Pittsburgh offense.  And I’m rather sold on the Arizona coaching staff, and on that Larry Fitzgerald fellow.

But, to be honest, I haven’t really studied up too much on the game.  Too soon.  I’m sure you all understand.

We’ll call it Cardinals 27, Steelers 23, and we’ll also note we like the Cardinals to cover the 7 no matter what.

How to host an imaginary Super Bowl party
Posted on February 1st, 2009 at 11:36 am by Cheesesteak Hoagie

You might think that the Eagles’ loss two weeks ago will ruin your final opportunity to watch a legitimate professional football game for next seven months.  Au contraire!  I mean, I know it seemed like the Eagles lost the NFC Championship and won’t be playing in the Super Bowl, but that doesn’t mean you have to play along.  See below for some simple tips on how to host the Big Game in proper Eagles style….

1.  Start early.  Put on your gear and get to the store before noon.  You don’t want to be one of those last-minute shoppers who’s picking through a decimated chip section or hunting for the last packet of Lil Smokeys.  They will run out of Crescent Rolls if you’re not careful.  Be sure to be sporting at least your Eagles jersey, and also some sort of hat if possible.  Civilians might think you’re wearing those colors just out of general interest in the NFL, but you’ll know better.

2.  Don’t be a total homer, but let ‘em know where you stand.  Should you run into a fellow patron at the store and have them inquire as to your rooting interests in the Big Game, be polite but firm: “Well I certainly think it’ll be a great game today, and Pittsburgh’s a great team, but I really think the Eagles’ defense and special teams will pull through.”

3.  And then, DENY DENY DENY.  While some civilians might be satisfied with this answer (as they’re not really sure who’s playing in the game anyway), most men might choose to cross examine at this point.  The important part here is not to come on too strong.  Acknowledge that the Birds had a tough day in the NFC Championship, and that “they have a few things to work on, but luckily, the extra week should give them time to prepare and correct some of those things.”  That’s probably a good moment to cut off that conversation, BTW.

4.  Whom to invite?  The Super Bowl is one of those events that forces the football devotee to sit in the same room with the dilettante (horrible, horrible, I know) and pretend to enjoy watching the game while the non-psychopaths prattle on and on and on and on about decidedly non-football-related topics (the global economic meltdown, trouble in the Middle East, overweight Jessica Simpson, what have you).  While it’s rude to not invite friends and loved ones for a big day like this, it’s worth reminding them “how I get” during Eagles games and how “I can’t really be accountable for my behavior.”  Nothing like a thinly veiled threat to keep the flies away!

5.  What should guests expect to bring?  As a host, you need to take point on the main dishes and proteins, as well as anything that’ll require significant prep (dips, guacamole, stuff like that).  Tell guests to bring beer or, of course, a dessert, but only if said dessert is green-themed (icing, ice cream flavors, cupcakes, etc).

6.  Pre-game entertainment.  Sure, you could watch the interminable network pre-game shows, but is that really going to capture the Philly feel of Super Bowl Sunday?  I’d get WIP piping through your stereo as a nice ambient background sound, and then, when folks start to filter in, the coup de grace: Wing Bowl highlights from you computer piped into the TV.  That’s just the sort of thing that’ll get your party started right.

7.  When 6:30 rolls around.  As kickoff approaches, some of your guests may begin to get a bit nervous about this “Super” Bowl thing.  They might even make noises about wanting to watch the commercials!  That’s the point where you remind them that we won’t be watching commercials today and cue up the DVR for…an encore presentation of the Eagles’ September 21 victory over the Pittsburgh Steelers!  Happy Super Bowl!

(What, you don’t still have the Steelers game on the DVR?  You let the missus delete it in favor of Gossip Girl reruns?  I’m guarding my copy with my life.)

A $4,000 Victory
Posted on January 13th, 2009 at 11:52 am by Cheesesteak Hoagie

Don’t pretend you haven’t looked.  I don’t want to hear it.  You’ve looked.

The best case is the Ravens.  The worst case is the Stillers, if only because their annoyingly devoted fans will sell a kidney to make it to the Super Bowl and wave their freakin’ towels.  That is, demand looks different (and formidable) if it’s a Keystone State Super Bowl.

Either way, this will cost the BountyBowls about four grand (plus flights and hotel!): game tickets are starting at $2,000.


(Yes yes, feel free to curse me for looking past the Cardinals.  Whatever.)

Ultimately, I’m just a hater from Negadelphia…
Posted on February 5th, 2008 at 3:06 pm by Cheesesteak Hoagie

this is a legal tackle

…and I demand justice, or at least vengeful retribution.

So the dust has settled, the G-Men had their parade, plaudits have been offered to the Giants (including too much praise for “The Play” which seems to discount the part where this was a Favre-style heave into the middle of the field that, while amazing, is not something you’d like to do too many more times; AMAZING catch by Tyree, though, no doubt, and the defensive line was spectacular), and scorn has been heaped on the Patriots and Bill Belichick.

I’m terribly disappointed by how this all worked out; here’s why:

My dream scenario was that the G-Men would lose the game badly (and be properly humilaited for the hot-at-the-right-time-with-some-lucky-breaks-thrown-in frauds that I had hoped they were), while the Patriots would have their victory immediately sullied by some shocking new revelations in Spygate that would call into question the entire Patriots machine (maybe even on the same day as their victory parade?). We’re talking details that would force the NFL to demand that Lombardi trophies be turned over to their rightful owners (Juve style from 2006 — don’t think this is unprecedented).

That is, I was hoping that the Super Bowl could somehow produce two (2) losers. Note well that a straight loss wasn’t actually sufficient in the example above — I wanted them both to be humiliated (the Giants beaten badly on the field, the Patriots’ entire run of success discredited).
(Read the rest of this story.)

ADF#$*)F*WER CHJASGQ(#)$U$T!?!?!
Posted on February 3rd, 2008 at 9:59 pm by Cheesesteak Hoagie

Oh dude.  Really? 


We shall give certain members of the Giants their due (their defensive ends, Tom Coughlin), and acknowledge that in a game of bounces, the Pats got a bit a unlucky (the ball hit the ground three times and the G-Men recovered all three; the Pats couldn’t hold on to potential picks), and try to say things like “It was an exciting game to watch.”

But it wasn’t exciting.  It was terrible. 
(Read the rest of this story.)

Super Bowl: Who I got
Posted on February 3rd, 2008 at 3:59 pm by Cheesesteak Hoagie

thuper bowlThis pick is a lot easier than I thought it would be a couple days ago (famous last words!).

Obviously, as much as I may detest the Pats and their Empire of Entitled Smugness, at least they have something to be snug about. That is, the smugness of the New York Football Giants has long since earned my ire and disdain as My Least Favorite (And Thus The Most Loathsome And Worthy Of Scorn) NFL Team ™. Can’t stand the G-men. Not even a little bit. Even with the departure of Tiki, I still can’t decide who’s the most disagreeable player on the team; is it StupidF*cking*sshole Antonio Pierce or StupidF*cking*sshole Michael Strahan? Seriously, it’s a tough call. I suppose I’ll root for catastrophic knee injuries for all.

Still, I thought that the G-Men would play them tough, and at least cover. Not anymore. I buy the PFT theory that the Spygate thing is going to motivate the Pats to be extra mean-spiritied. Amazingly, I bet they’re sitting in their locker room right now reflecting on the fact that despite the fact that they’ve gone undefeated and scored the most points ever, NO ONE IS GIVING THEM ANY RESPECT.
(Read the rest of this story.)