What Would Buddy Do?
Lewis, Baskett looking to brush up on flattery, obsequiousness?
Posted on August 27th, 2008 at 12:32 pm by Cheesesteak Hoagie

Uh oh. 

First it was Lorenzo Booker who was going to be complimentary to Brian Westbrook (and really, who among us shouldn’t be complimentary to Brian Westbrook — he was the best back in the NFL last year!).  Now it appears that both Greg Lewis and Hank Baskett have picked up some manners from Booker and will be sharing kind words of praise with the rest of the receiving corps:

Brown’s uncertainty leaves the Eagles short in experience at wide receiver. With Kevin Curtis already out indefinitely after sports-hernia surgery, the Birds are down their top two from last season. Greg Lewis and Hank Baskett are decent complimentary options, but neither has ever been a No. 1. Head coach Andy Reid said he has some maneuverability.

It’s one thing when an error shows up in marketing copy on PE.com, it’s quite another when it shows up in the dailies.  Errors happen, sure, and we all know the fishwrapper biz is in the midst of implosion (that pesky Craigslist!), but this is almost correction-worthy. 

I say almost because, well, it’s in the sports section, and, um, no one really cares but nerds like me. 

Curtis adds nookie to list of things he’s not allowed to enjoy
Posted on August 20th, 2008 at 4:12 pm by Cheesesteak Hoagie

anatomy lesson

Wow.  Forgive the pun, but this kind of sucks for Kevin Curtis.  (Is it a pun? Or do I have too much groin on the brain? Wait, groin on the brain?)  And the Eagles.  And all of us. 

Past the considerable football implications, we can only assume that this sort of injury means a significant no-nookie period for Curtis.  Given that his religious inclinations take most other fun stuff off the table, it sure looks like Kevin’s going to need to make his peace with a lot of long nights ordering pizza, playing Bioshock and slurping down Sierra Mist.

As an FYI, the wide receiver corps is now officially a “shambles.”  That’s a highly technical term meaning “a condition that yields eleven defenders whose eyes are exclusively glued to the numbers 3 and 6.”

Cacophony of horrified screams from the rest of the blogertariat:


ATTN: Rod Graves, General Manager
Posted on August 20th, 2008 at 3:17 pm by Cheesesteak Hoagie


Rod Graves
General Manager
Arizona Cardinals
PO Box 888
Phoenix, AZ 85001-0888

Mr. Graves:

Hale and hearty greetings to you, good sir! I hope the crisp, clear desert air is treating you well and trust that you have had an appropriately relaxing and intellectually challenging summer. Surely a man of your character and disposition values his time away from the often discourteous wranglings of frontline capitalism; hopefully you’ve had time to peruse a few monographs or enjoy a brief hunting expedition along the northern frontier.

It has come to our attention here in Philadelphia that there exists a certain degree of disgruntlement amongst your corps of flanker and split ends. While we all understand that candid discussions of compensation are a bit gauche, we certainly appreciate that certain demotivated employees — especially if said employees represent the aforementioned flanker and split end corps — are capable of destabilizing organizational morale.   

With that in mind, we have a proposal that we believe might be beneficial for both your organization and our local professional gridiron affiliate.  Specfically, we might suggest an exchange of players in which we would offer the rights to our Pro Bowl cornerback, Mr. Lito Sheppard, for your disgruntled flanker.   

You might contend that your organization already boasts a number of players who competently play this position, including a recent selection from the NFL entry draft.  Sir, I shan’t insult your taste by assuming that you aren’t capable of discerning quality amongst NFL footballers.  And quality is what we have on offer!  

Perhaps you caught our training match last Thursday on the Fox television network?  You may have noticed that our Pro Bowler on offer scored an INTERCEPTION in that contest.  As you are well aware, the INTERCEPTION is the sine qua non of defensive backfield play — surely this augurs well for his future success.

As for the gap that the departure of your disgruntled flanker might create, well, it would be discourteous for us to ignore this need.  Thus we might also offer the services of one of our flankers in return.  Perhaps you’d be interested in Gregory Lewis?  He has caught a TOUCHDOWN PASS in both the NFL’s highly publicized Super Bowl game and in our recent training match, indicating consistent quality.  As you are well aware, the TOUCHDOWN PASS is the sine qua non of flanker play.

In closing, we know you are a man familiar with the rolling hills and charming populace of the Delaware Valley, having started your career as a scout for the erstwhile Philadelphia Stars.  We hope that your familiarity with our quiet hamlet and its kindly denizens will allow you to appropriately evaluate the prudence of this transaction.

Yours cordially,

Wideout-Obsessed Eagles Supporters d/b/a The Bounty

Eagles - Panthers Slopfest Summary
Posted on August 15th, 2008 at 11:16 am by Cheesesteak Hoagie

it almost looks like jackson might be blocking

While I was certainly thrilled to see some actual live Eagles football, I guess my biggest takeaway from last night’s game was “I am totally psyched that I didn’t pay full price to attend this.”  As if the part where it wasn’t an actual game wasn’t awkward enough, the rain delay added insult to injury.  Enjoy your soaking, we’re going to keep you crowded into the concourse for the next 45 minutes, concession stands will remain open, and you’ll be able to return to your soggy seat shortly.  Don’t worry, you should be home by one. 

Anyhoo, my takeaways (big and little) from last night:  

These guys are small.  Dude!  I knew Lorenzo Booker and DeSean Jackson weren’t the largest of fellows, but they looked freakin’ tiny out there.  Get these boys on the Michael Phelps diet STAT!  Seriously, at that size we can’t pretend that they’re going to make it through the full season upright, can we?  And it isn’t the height thing, it’s the mass issue.  Dude.    

In which we all towel off in re: the capabilities of Max-Jean Gilles.  While we remain hopeful about the progression of Gilles, he played like a very inexperienced guy last night.  The huge whiff on that screen pass block was kind of comical.  It almost happened in slow motion: “Come on, big fella, you’ve got him….OOHHHHHHH!”  Also, the penalties were pretty lame.  I guess better now than later.   

Sure they played well, but the Panthers’ offense looked bad.  The defense certainly looked competent, though the Panthers did the Birds the favor of running into the middle of the line (and avoiding the edge runs which had apparently vexed the defense against the Stillers) and not including Steve Smith in the festivities.  So it’s tough to get too too excited about what we saw on defense.  Also, though I’ve always had a soft spot for Jake Delhomme, I would not feel awesome about the QB situation in Carolina if I was a Panthers fan.  Lito’s pick was especially terrible — total floater.   Maybe it was the conditions, but he did not look sharp.     

Speaking of the defense, get ready for Stew Bradley in coverage.  Tip of the cap to the Panthers for a clever play call on the almost-touchdown to Mush.  They bunched the receivers in the slot and got Bradley on Mush.  Were it not for a vicious, completely out-of-line helmet-on-helmet collision between two veteran guys, we’d be talking a lot about Bradly chasing people in the middle of the field.    

That’s gotta be a fine, right?  After the hideous highlight against the Steelers, I’m glad Dawk got his groove back a little bit.  Still, that shot in the end zone has got to earn him a charitable donation from league HQ.  Too much, Dawk, too much.  We want you to last the whole season.     

An early 2006 vibe with the catching.  We hadn’t seen drops like that in a while.  Sure, it was wet, but a lot of those balls were there.  We can forgive a couple drops from Jackson (though we’d prefer less jumping and fluttering of the feet and more focus on “catching the ball”), but Curtis?  Baskett?  The ball from Kolb that hit Baskett in the f*cking face over the middle was not sweet.  Dunavin certainly wasn’t perfect last night, but a number of those balls should have been caught. 

Who really wanted to make the team last night.  Top of the list is Tony Hunt, who ran well, made a great catch on a poorly thrown screen pass from Kolb, and actually made some plays on special teams.  Adios, Ryan Moats!  Also, I had no idea who Fake Jeremiah Trotter was, but he definitely has to have played himself into practice squad consideration.   McDougle looks like he’s definitely making the team.  This was also the first I’d seen of Joe Mays.  More please. 

Who should feel very cold and lonely this morning.  Sean Considine running with the threes!  Yikes!  Also, as noted, Ryan Moats can probably go month-to-month on his lease at this point.   

And finally, the absolute low point of the game.  So we’d heard a lot about the investment in special teams in the offseason.  The Birds acknowledged the problem and tried to address it.  And, um, well, it doesn’t seem to be working.  Booker struggled to field kickoffs (nightmares of Green Bay running through our head), the fake field goal was completely hideous, and I have officially joined the “David Akers must go before he costs the Birds a divisional game” team.  The Birds are telling us that the coverage was good?  I guess so.  But it sure didn’t seem very organized out there.  I have to imagine that this is a Defcon Four situation at the NovaCare complex this morning. 

Still, it was cool to have football back.  Onwards!

Chad Johnson mentions Philadelphia before Dallas! Chad Johnson mentions Philadelphia before Dallas!
Posted on June 3rd, 2008 at 1:21 pm by Cheesesteak Hoagie


OMG!  Do my ears deceive me?  Did Chad Johnson just list the Eagles BEFORE the Cowboys in his wish list of teams to which he’d like to be traded?

In an upcoming column in ESPN The Magazine (note that Chad also guest-edited said issue), he writes the following:

“Management told me I had a bad year. I was asked to stop being me. Okay, but how does that work? I am what some people would say is the face of Cincinnati,” he writes.

“If I can get out of Cincinnati, the sky’s the limit. What could I do in a place like Philadelphia or Dallas? It would be ridiculous. It’s (going to) be like a whole new me, like Ocho Cinco 2.0. Yeah, I like that. Ocho Cinco 2.0.”   

Yup, you heard that right.  Ocho Cinco 2.0 in Philadelphia (or also maybe Dallas, but Dallas less than Philadelphia because being listed first is MUCH MORE IMPORTANT than being listed second).  My heart is a-flutter with visions of just how ridiculous it would be.  I would guess “very.”    

(Read the rest of this story.)

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